Why We're Gone

It's pushing six months. I'm alone. I mean, really alone. I feel, think, walk, move, talk, alone. And I have always been this way. She was never there. I mean, dammit, I wanted to help; but you can't help someone who doesn't want to be. You can't help yourself. All you can do is trust. And that trust will be broken, just like us. Broken into pieces to be fed into the machine. Nothing united as the glue is all dried up. I met her when I was really alone. Crying myself to sleep. Standing at the edge of the world with Tom Cruise. She was walking in a line of ladies and didn't seem all that special. But after that black chick said we should date, I took it to heart and within six months later we were married. She needed me for my money and to fix her stuff. I needed her warm body to lie in bed with so I wouldn't feel so isolated. Now I'm ready to get out of bed. And she wants to stay there. You can only sleep so long before you get a headache and grow restless. So here I am, alone; pretending to get along. Painting the smile on my face everyday I walk out that door. The worst part is that the only reason for doing so is so that people don't think I'm an asshole. It's not because I want to hide the fact that a marriage of 11 years was a useless sham. It's because I know they don't give a fuck. And the only reason I know that is because I don't either. But something in me wants to. I guess I just don't know how. Nobody ever taught me how to care. All I have are stupid emotions evoked from the FM radio I listen to while driving to nowhere. Time for bed asshole. Gotta get to sleep so you can wake up tomorrow and fix other asshole's expensive, worthless, heaps of junk that they don't know how to take care of. Their codpieces. Then we can all kumbaya in a circle jerk talking about how nobody cares about anyone but themselves. And we can show each other stupid fucking pictures on our bloody smartphones about other assholes crave attention and do stupid fucking things for 5 seconds of royalty. And I can walk around bragging about how I've "rejected the system" and don't own a smartphone. I'm stronger than that. The only real reason for getting rid of it was because I watched too much porn and I want to believe I'm better than that. I tried admitting it to her years ago, but she told me to fuck off and just get over it. Thanks babe. I know you never gave a shit. I guess I never did either. Maybe if I did I'd know how to wake you the fuck up. I'll just keep floating through unconsciousness looking for the crack in the ice. Can somebody give me a damned hand for fuck's sake?! Yeah, I've been praying. I've started going to church again. It seems a little better. Nice pastor. Looks like Eddie Rabbitt. He wants me to come to donut breakfast on Tuesdays. Sorry man. I don't trust you. I don't even trust me. All I know right now that there is a Truth out there. I'm going to find it. I don't much mind dying right now, just so long as I can find that Truth. I have nothing to lose. It's already gone like me. Living in the corner of a rooftop and bumping my head everytime I try and stand up. I'm just a fortune cookie. Get beyond my mellow yellow shell and all I have inside is a canned message and some lottery numbers. Throw me away. Don't worry, you'll get another one next time you order fried rice and chicken. Until then, go fuck yourself. At least you'll be doing it instead of some other asshole looking for a hole to fill.