Sunday, May 13, 2018

Changing Directions

Things are happening and I'm not sure I'm ready for it. I get involved in a situation and I'm all the way in. If it goes sour, I'm looking at complete misery. I have to take the chance though. I have to try. I can't change people, but maybe I can show them the way. Shit. It didn't work for my ex. She never saw my position and all it made me was miserable and crappy for 10 years. I thought I'd just sit in that shed, curl up, and die. Now I've got something I'm going for, but it's precarious. What happens if it doesn't pan out? What do I do if the worst comes true? I know it's worth the gamble, but I'm scared I'm going to lose it. Then I have to keep on living; forlorn forever. I'm getting back into jazz music. I'm starting to see a future for myself here in Virginia. Mom wants me to come back to Oregon. That was my original plan, but who the hell am I? What, I go through a divorce and run home to mama? Screw that. Land's too expensive out there. No jobs. Nothing going for me. Hell, I don't really even keep up with anybody out there. I have connections here. I have a good job. And I have the gamble I'm taking. I'm looking at saving up about $30,000 and buying a fixer upper myself. I'm not in a rush. Then, I have the connections to fix it and build a big garage right here in Virginia. I'm going to get my private pilot's license, so I can fly home to Oregon anytime I feel like it. Home's in Heaven ain't it? The pastor said that the Lord would take me by the hand and lead me and He did. I have faith, but I need His help with my unbelief. I can't lose. I'm all in. It's everything I am as a person and I'm scared. Lord help me. Show me the way.

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