The Internet.

I like using the Internet for research. If I'm curious about a certain topic, I usually hit up Wikipedia to see what it has to say. But I recently heard a rumour that anyone (yes, anyone) can edit anything on Wikipedia. So if I don't like what Wikipedia has to say about something, all I have to do is hit the edit button and make a change. Ridiculous! This changes everything, you see, because Wikipedia is one of the most used sites on the Internet, and it can be changed. This begs the question, what else can be easily tapped into and changed? I remember my grandparents had the Encyclopedia Britannica when I was a kid. Obviously, if I wanted to make a change I'd have to grab some white out. And I would know it was changed! People of note are using Wikipedia in their everyday research to decide things for our country, the world, and whatever else. And... it might be a flat out lie that somebody changed. How do you like that? I think I might go and invest in an old encyclopedia just like my grandparents had. It also changes my views on the Internet as a whole. I might sound paranoid, but if that much access is granted without some form of security, then we've all been duped! Think about it.

MTV

I just got back from my niece's birthday party. Shes a teenager and she had a bunch of her friends over. They all wanted to watch some show called "Jersey Shore" on MTV. I don't have cable at my house so I didn't know what to expect. It really blew me away. The episode that I watched had two guys in their early twenties in a reality show type setting. One of them complained that he was leaving or something and he needed a girl. So both of them went and got two prostitutes, took them back to their apartment, and proceeded to have intercourse with them. One of the girls didn't want to because she was already in a relationship, so the guy took her out of his room and told her to leave. The other guy went ahead and had intercourse right in front of the camera (of course it was under the sheets... kids, you know). This is disgusting, and it is a total outrage that parents are letting their children watch this smut! I only got a taste of what is relayed through the television to children tonight. I'm really glad that I don't have cable, and I intend to keep it that way. We are training our kids to be everything that they shouldn't, and it needs to stop. Otherwise, we're going to cease to be a nation, because you see, they are the future of this country. They are our investment in the future, and if we neglect to raise them properly, then we will rot from the bottom up. Please, if you're reading this, make a difference and stop this propaganda whenever it is in your power to do so. If you don't, then you're just as guilty as the offending party.

Deleted My Facebook Account.

I'm tired of being connected to everyone in the way that Facebook provides. Its easy to hurt somebody because of the lack of sincerity on it. Not only that, but its fake. People don't really say what they mean, its just a way of making somebody feel like a movie star. As if everybody actually cared if they just ate noodles for lunch. The only One that truly cares is the Lord. I'm tired of living a fake life. Trying to keep up with a front. I know I'm weak, unruly, and in desperate need of God's guidance. Why should I make it seem as if I have everything in control when I don't. From now on, if someone wants to keep in touch with me, they can either visit me, call me, write me a letter, or in some instances email me. However, I don't really like email all that much either. So the first three ways is pretty much all I will have to contact me. I want to be a genuine person. And I want to associate with others that I can reach in the same way. Call me crazy if you want, but I believe that I've done the right thing.

August 13, 2010

I'm sitting on my sofa at midnight after a long day at work and school drinking a glass of Jack Daniels. I'm tired and can easily fall asleep, but I feel like I need to write something. I feel both pissed off and enabled to succeed in greatness. I truly do not want to become like so many people I see everyday. Sometimes I fall into the same snares that bind them, but I know that I can defeat it. The only problem is that I must be firm in my resolution to stand on my principles no matter what the cost. I believe that I'm too cheery. Some people say that its a virtue, but I'm starting to realize that its a crutch. Something that numbs me to the reality of injustice and pain; both of which must be embraced if one would ever accept reality. The trouble that I see in myself is that as soon as I walk in the door at work, I try exceeding hard to please people. So much in fact, that I lose myself and my resolutions in the process. I must find a way to overcome this weakness. Now that I (at least to a greater degree) understand what true evil is and where it lies, I must fight it with a vigor like none other. It must not overtake me anymore, even if I must become a prude to defend my beliefs. I must defend myself from the conversations that diminish a man to a crust of bread. I must become my own man, and not what others would have me to be just to please them, no matter how sad they may seem. You see, we all struggle and groan together in this brief stay called life. But it doesn't give us the liberty to try to cover it up. Instead, it must be recognized, confronted, and defeated... every day. And I aim to accomplish this in my life from this point onward. Goodnight.

Memories...

I woke up this morning at an early hour wanting to accomplish a lot. I got out on the street and jogged my 8 miles, took a shower and grabbed a bite to eat. But when it came time to pick up my horn, I just wasn't feeling it. I tried to push through, but to no avail. So I put a new record I just picked up in D.C. on the player and listened to it. The album was an old Maynard Ferguson record that I first heard when I traveled with my High School Band director to Portland, Oregon for the first time to hear the Army Reserve band he was in. We stayed at his co worker's house. I remember he had a couple of cats, and he gave me free reign over his record player and albums. The Maynard album was the one I chose. I remember feeling a great excitement for music at that point in my life. And as I sat and listened to the album, I read the back of the sleeve while the music was playing. My grandpa never liked to read the sleeves while the record was playing. He said it took away from the listening experience. However, one of the beautiful things about being an individual is having your own opinion, and mine differs from him on this matter. After I read the sleeve, I smelled it. Now this may sound weird, but a record sleeve has a very unique smell to it, and when I smell one it brings me back to my grandparent's house, sitting for hours just listening to music. Flooded with memories at this point in the morning gave me the strength to pick up my horn one more time and take one more step toward virtuosity on the trombone. And not only that, but it gave me a renewed enjoyment for what I do for a living. I think its important for all of us to pull from past experiences and apply them to present circumstances to help us blossom even more in our endeavors. May your memories be as rich and pleasant as mine are. Goodnight.

The Fears That Bind Us.

I remember when I first joined the Navy I was scared to death. Scared of needles, paperwork, RDCs (essentially a drill Sergent), and countless other things. I had no idea what I was doing, and I really didn't want to be there when I first started. But as I became accustomed to the things that I feared, and as I woke up every morning with these things looking at me in the face, I realized that there wasn't really anything to fear, and I overcame them. I made it through the School of Music the exact same way, and found out that learning music isn't impossible or scary. There are a lot of good memories that I keep from those places; not because they were enjoyable, but because I grew, became stronger, and overcame my fears and ignorance. When I went to my first band I had fears of not fitting in, and not being a good enough trombone player. While most the people that I worked with had at least a bachelor's degree I didn't attend college for any length of time. Heck, I'd only had one private lesson my whole life. Now from my past experiences, one would conclude that I would simply overcome what fears I had, and grow stronger; but it wasn't the case in this instance. You see, the people that I worked with at the time fed into my fears. The environment was different. In Boot Camp and in school people know that you're ignorant and scared. They make it their business to help you overcome what you lack by pushing you on and encouraging you. But when you're out in the real world, you find out just how cold and barren it is. I don't want to say that people don't care, but that they don't take notice. I realized that people would talk about me not being good enough, not being smart enough, and many other things. This made me very bitter, and the love and passion that I had had my whole life for music became a dead thing that I hated and wanted nothing to do with. It made me not want to practice, hang around other musicians, or even listen to music. The excitement I once had for telling people I was a musician died, and I made it a point to never tell people that I was a musician. In short time I was sent for temporary assignment to be a cop that stood at the gate and checked people's IDs. I really didn't enjoy the work, but it was a relief to be away from the thing that I hated and feared. Nobody contacted me while I was assigned there except for one instance concerning the advancement exam. I was supposed to be there for 6 months, but I stayed for 8 thinking that I would ride out the rest of my enlistment, get out of the Navy, and go home to Oregon. Eventually, however, I was sent back to the band and told to start practicing my trombone again (which I didn't want to do) and prepare for gigs again. The bitterness had grown in my heart towards musicians and music so much at this point that I thought all musicians were cold, calculating back stabbers. I wanted nothing to do with them. However, I continued to do my job and practice as little as was possible to get by without getting in trouble. At some point in time, I started to like how it felt to play the trombone. I still didn't like the sound seeing as it was an instant reference to pain and bitterness, but it was a new kind of enjoyment. I suppose that if one must do a thing he or she loathes, eventually some enjoyment must be derived or insanity will set in (I might have a little of that as well). As time progressed I went through the normal peaks and valleys of life and decided that it would be possible to enjoy playing music for the rest of my enlistment, but I was in no way going to become fully dedicated to it as it had already scarred me in the past (or so I thought). But the more I practiced, the more I started enjoying the music. However, I still wasn't fully dedicated to staying in the Navy or becoming a lifelong musician. I enrolled in a vocational school and started planning on getting out. At some point in time, I started getting compliments in my playing. I don't remember when, but I remember it was new compared to my history of insults. This propelled me to want to practice more, and I felt more confident than ever about my trombone playing. Not to say I felt arrogant, but I felt secure to a degree. When I finally realized I didn't remain in the mire of people's malice, I started taking note of the "less than savory" players and how their attitudes aligned with mine loosely. Instead of being gently taken under an better player's wing and uplifted, I noticed that they were talked about behind their backs, laughed at, and even insulted to their faces in some cases. The saddest part about all this is that I joined in on some of these conversations (making me a hypocrite). A good friend of mine sobered me up thankfully and I started to understand the root of my original hatred of the musician business. The reason that I hated music is because the "educated" people took the art of music and made it solely a science. Instead of enjoying it and uplifting one another to become a better band, individuals would put one another down to both make themselves feel more confident and to make sure that all were aware of their education. Instead of experiencing the beauty of music; feeling it, smelling it, and tasting it; it was put on a shelf in a museum to be solely looked at and discussed. And to me this was and is a great tragedy. At this point in my life I believe that I've regained a true love for music, but I'm still unsure of a future with me in the Navy. I don't want to hate music ever again, and I don't want to become a (so called) "educated" person, thinking that just because they've sat through lectures and read books on the subject that they're better than others. I believe that if I do stay in, I will make it my personal business to combat that evil and ensure that others don't fall into the same ditch that I did. I believe that education is good, but I believe that humility is better. And hand in hand a world can change for the better for a good, long while.

The Purpose

Lately I've been having thoughts about why I go to work, or school. Why do get up in the morning. Why do anything. Solomon said it best in the book of Ecclesiastes (and I'm paraphrasing), "One man will sow while another will reap. A righteous man will acquire great wealth only to leave it to a wicked child." Everything that we invest in this life, if done to make wealth, glory, or even to support our family, will eventually end. We shall pass from this life, and all of our labour shall fade and fall like the pedals of a flower. Why then continue? It truly is a legitimate question, and one that deserves a good answer. From what I've been fed ever since I was a child, I should believe that I deserve to live a good life, acquire wealth, and really just live comfortably. But who made that rule? If we were to take every single person on this earth and strip them of all the comforts and securities that we all supposedly deserve, I believe that we would realize that none of us deserve any less than destruction. You can call me a pessimist, but you see it every day. Just go to work and listen to the conversations that take place. Most are fed up with one thing or another and love to complain. Backbiting, murmering, and lying is commonplace. People are definitely not satisfied. Depression is everywhere. Left to our own devices we become worse and worse. Something is missing. We inherently know it within our very souls. But what does it take to live a life worth while. Everything dedicated to the physical realm stays in it. However, we do not. If we limit ourselves to the pleasures of life, its easy to conclude that our entire existence is frivolous. The Bible says that he who follows frivolity is devoid of understanding. I think you know where I'm going with this, so let me just come out and say it. Ye must be borne again. Nothing within this life is worth holding onto because we can't keep anything in this life. Everything from your expensive house, to your very own life you will lose. It might be today, or it might be when you're 120 years old. Regardless of when, you are going to lose everything that you physically possess. Its important to realize our depravity. Its vital to our understanding to grasp the concept of living a life of death. If you are living in this life without being born of the spirit, then you are the living dead. A zombie destined to a life of death, and a fate worse than you could ever imagine. Try as you may, you shall never be able to escape such a fate of your own power, thoughts, or wealth. You and I are worthless creatures. Atheists say that a person that looks to a religion for salvation is a weak person. I totally agree. We are weaker than we realize. But there is a certain strength in weakness. Because in weakness, one realizes their need for a saviour. And all of us need one. Jesus said that He came to give life and give it more abundantly. But it doesn't come unless one is totally abandoned to Him. You must understand that it is His work in you and not your own works that save you. Its not a comfortable realization, but its the truth. He is the only reason for living. Otherwise we shall continue to grope in the darkness and stumble over things that have no meaning. Jesus was and is and shall be forevermore. God bless ya!